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How Santa’s Elves Prepared Me for 2025

 I've never been officially diagnosed with autism, but it's pretty clear to anyone who has spent more than a moment with me that I am neurodivergent. One of the ways my brain works is that I am very literal. Many times in my life, my literal thinking has led me to some funny conclusions. For example, in grade 12, a teacher told us we were going to "talk about a cool cat named Maslow." For years, I tried to understand how a cat came up with a pyramid of needs. No harm came from that, and eventually, I realized it was just a funny story.

But that hasn’t always been the case.

They told me Santa took back the doll I really wanted because he saw me being naughty


My parents went hard in on the whole "Santa's elves can see you ALL the time" thing. And I believed them. My life became about being performatively good. I got really self-conscious, especially about "bathroom stuff." This deeply shaped aspects of my core personality—the people-pleasing, the performative goodness—but also the sense of being performative in general. That’s where my "main character energy" comes from.

Why am I talking about this now? Because it contextualizes why I say "thank you" to my Google device, why I flirt with the cameras I see out in public, and why I was not remotely surprised when I read today’s Reuters article about private videos from car cameras being shared between Tesla employees. 

My parents may have fucked me up beyond measure, but they also accidentally prepared me to live in 2025. The cameras are everywhere. The box on my lap has one looking at me right now. On this level of my house alone, there are currently six devices capable of recording us. At this point, I choose to opt in—not because I don’t care, but because it’s just... too late. That ship has sailed.

I don’t like it. I don’t condone it. I’m simply not shocked.

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